great day

beat last year's race time by 1 minute and 15 seconds. more impressive is that i've run this race 8 years in a row, and just got my third fastest time. cool, but not hard considering some of my earlier race times.

came home and cleaned up the house in preparation for Thanksgiving. it went quickly and before we knew it, the turkey was done and our family had arrived.

daughter loves it when we have company. she has new people to play with in her own surroundings. my two nieces, ages 12 and 9, love playing with daughter. once everyone arrived, i made the first fire in our fireplace. i'm using ancient wood that was left behind by the previous owners. it was light lighting balsa wood soaked in gasoline. POOF! luckily i had some newer wood to balance it out.

the dinner was spectacular. wife's first bird was well-cooked. not over or under...just right. the sidedishes were all good too. all the classics. most notable was a cranberry salad my wife made out of pineapple, apple, cranberry and CRYSTAL LIGHT?! i know. it makes no sense, but it rocked.

post dinner my nieces were digging the train and we hung out in the basement with daughter. my nieces are smart and essentially taught me a few things about the train. 12 year old noted the transformer and track are a circuit. she just was not sure which kind of a circuit. as their uncle i felt it my duty to help clarify, but visits to ask jeeves and howstuffworks.com did not bear us any fruit. maybe we SHOULD get a set of encyclopedias. hmmm. 9 year old figured out that the train whistle comes from the coal car. this is why the whistle was "not working" when we only used the engine. we did this so they could crank up the speed without wrecking the train. they still did of course. we also dumped enough liquid smoke into the train that the smell was noticed upstairs.

it was great fun hanging out with my in-town family. we had an excellent thanksgiving. and now LEFTOVERS! :-) yum.

happy, thankful, early

HAPPY THANKSGIVING! One of my addicted blogger friends is asking what our top 5 list is for giving thanks this year. here's mine in no true order:
*wife n daughter: they have shown me what love and life are all about.
*me, my health and i: i consider it good therapy to give myself some equal time here. i am proud of my progress spiritually, mentally and physically. more importantly i am thankful for it.
*HP: not the computer company. the spirit. were it not for HP, i'd still be screwing all this up. HP is the glue and then some.
*family: been spending more time with mine and appreciating my wife's. it's a good thing.
*YOU: the online community, PARTICULARLY the addicted members like Theo, Trinity, Brad, "Iggy C4 Trigger Reilly", Sassy, Susan and Omar - amongst many others, have made this path more than "easier" (whatever the fuck that is). you have made it enjoyable. i am thankful for you helping me realize i am not alone and that this whole path i am on is in part a gift.

Now I gotta go run six miles. If you see more of me here today, it is cause we're hosting Thanksgiving and I might have time to check in. Gobble Gobble!

short week

my place of work can really take the fun out of a short week. it's tough to explain, but basically everyone is very busy right now. it seems like the chiefs of our tribe begrudgingly acknowledge the holidays (along with families and personal lives). and they rarely change deadlines to accomodate the holidays. recently they told one team they had better do their christmas shopping early this year.

i'm a member of the full plate club and thought i'd been doing a good job of balancing everything— until today. a project is late and one of the chiefs is in charge of it. he's being cool about it, but the client is pissed. he acknowledges, in his words, that I "made the right business decision" to let this project get behind to accomplish more important ones. he notes i am "overallocated."

so i got THAT going for me.

i am not letting it bug me. i've covered my ass as much as i can. hard to believe but, for once, it does not bother me. i know i've been working hard. it tends to take away your fear in these situations.

it snowed today. it might as well since christmas is tomorrow. or it might as well be.

came home and ran as planned. did four miles. the snow accumulated on the grass only. the concrete was merely wet as if EVERYONE had shoveled their walks. but the temperature made it a slower run. oddly enough i thought i ran it faster than last time. i felt great and seemingly was cruising quickly through the course. but the cold slows you down and i finished a minute later. i really pushed it too for that time and can feel it right now.

thursday morning will be a bit easier since i was able to train at the last minute. but my time will be nowhere near as good as last years.

but before my 6 mile race, i have an 8 hour race scheduled for tomorrow. two deliverables due on a project other than the one mentioned above. tick tock.

chores, collision, chaos and calm

for what it's worth, i'm an alliterative whore. land of the lost had initial appeal due to it having a lotta lovely l's.

chores: spent the morning running errands with daughter. wife is selling her memory boards at a craft show, so we crossed a few things off our to do list together. this took me past our old street and i drove down it. pretty uneventful until i hit the top of the street. or rather, i hit a truck at the top of the street.

collision: the top of our street dumps out onto a main traffic artery. within the better part of four years i developed an impressive ability to piss people off by being pretty aggressive about getting out of and into my street. well, in a split second where i assumed the pickup in front of me was headed ALL the way out into traffic, he stopped short. our van stopped too, after connecting with his truck.

daughter was a-ok. dad was instant adrenaline. climbed out of the car, after applying the hazards. driver does the same, we examine his truck—a beefy pickup. seemingly no damage. same goes for family van.

"i guess we should exchange information," i suggest. "yeah, i should probably have it checked out," he notes. i'm thinking...if it looks ok, it probably IS ok?! he's deadpan. not concerned, but not convinced all is well. we exchange info and we go our separate ways. i ease into traffic and head to our next stop on the errand trail. then the whole thing hits me at once.

chaos: the wreck goes through my head again. it turns out, the first thing out of my mouth was, "sorry about that." my lawyer dad always instructed me to be polite, but to do nothing more than exchange information. and no matter what, do not claim responsibility or innocence. this gets me rethinking everything and, of course, analyzing what COULD happen...doctor's bill, new bumper, insurance issues. oh wait, no report was filed with the police. would insurance cover it? and on, and on, deeper into the pit of negativity i seemingly dive into whenever something like this happens.

i call wife and am clearly upset. she tells me not to drive anywhere until i am ok. i am not ok. even daughter can tell this.

we complete the next errand at the library...returning confederacy of dunces and checking out the prayer of owen meany. i pray to my higher power. i am thankful nothing worse happened and pray that the man is honest. i pray that if something did happen, it will be something we can manage. this makes sense as serenity returns to my shaken self.

calm: a few more errands and i meet my mom and two nieces for lunch. i suggest eating at stone's, a diner my family frequented while i was growing up. mom nixes this, the owner snubbed her the last time she was in there— lord only knows when this occured. i suggest the next diner up the street as i am jonesing for the safety and comfort of greasy-spoon food. it used to be called the Harrison Grill. it is now the Harrison Egg Grill. nieces are intrigued to be eating somewhere they've driven by a million times.

my family has eaten there however. when i was in grade school, we would go there after midnight mass. this was typically during the holidays when we would rather stay up late on saturday to hit church, then grab breakfast in the wee hours and stay in on sunday. my dad was a nightowl and until having daughter, i pretty much was too.

realizing how young i was and how late we must have stayed up amazes me in retrospect. eating there again kicked the calm up another notch as daughter stuffed herself with fried potatoes and turkey from my california club. it was a good visit with my mom and nieces, ages 12 and 8.

now daughter sleeps. and i am thankful nothing worse happened as a result of that collision. bills can be paid. it'll figure itself out. my shrink will be proud.

late night

some nights i get like my daughter, not wanting to go to sleep to eek more time out of the day. it's a good sign as it means i am enjoying myself and do not want the day to end.

been surfing a lot this evening. checked my work email a scant few minutes ago and one of my clients sent something at around midnight?! that client gets no love from me. spend time with yourself, your family, your friends. life is short. fuck work.

always the brave one when i am sleep deprived, in a good mood and still have many hours between me and another work week. come monday i will drink the kool-aid and dutifully trudge into an orderly line with the rest of the rats.

NO segue—awhile ago my wife and i were discussing my recovery. she felt like she had not really helped and she should/could do more to help me stay sober. to this i replied: "you have no idea how much you have done for me. you did more than make me who i am. you saved me from who i was."

the day i acknowledged to myself that i am an alcoholic, she put my habit into a perspective that allowed me to finally see it and admit it to myself. sadly, in addition to that moment, there is another element she provided that helped me into recovery mode—seeing my drinking directly impact her in a negative fashion. seeing my wife in pain because i was drinking too much. i had no identity prior to getting sober. i did not know who i was, how in the hell could i care if i was killing myself? the personal consequences of my drinking would not have stopped me.

my hope is i can live my life in a way that shows her how much of an impact she has made...by being a loving husband and father.

friday's finish line

looking forward to the weekend. to quote "dry the rain" by the beta band:

If there's something inside that you wanna say
Say it out loud it'll be okay
I will be your light
I will be your light
I will be your light
I will be your light

this weekend, be yourself. be someone's light. just be.

movies and much more

two movie-ish sites for you. the first one's an obvious choice, profiling their favorite drunks on film. i give them props for Peter O'Toole in "My Favorite Year." enjoyed that film quite a bit. but they missed steve buscemi in Tree's Lounge. the lyrics for the movie's theme song are at the end of this post—you'll understand why i like it so much.

second movie site is less obvious. it focuses on movies with running in them. this one is to get my ass motivated and back in training for my 8th annual turkey trot. it's an annual thanksgiving day race—6.1 miles long. my friend (who has run it with me 7 times so far) and i used to celebrate afterwards by buying 40oz beers. imagine how we looked walking into a liquor store on thanksgiving morning...probably before 10am...still proudly wearing our race numbers and racing gear.

celebrated the finish last year with some near beer and also had my third fastest time in seven years. hmmm. coincidence? maybe. maybe not.

I sit here in Tree's Lounge

I pour it in my mouth


I need something to forget

What got me in this mess

I'm feeling less and less

My judgement is not clear

I do things that I fear

I would never do



I sit here in Tree's Lounge

I order one more round


You have a pretty name

You're pretty like your name

Lets play a drinking game

And if I win I get to take you home and if you win you go home with me



Cause I need something to forget

What got me in this mess

I'm feeling less and less

My judgement is not clear

I do things that I fear

I would never do

good day

i was worried if i reported a good day to you, i would have to rename this site "land of the yo-yo emotional lost." but then it hit me. one day at a time. the simplicity of this saying is only marveled by the strength it gives me.

so after finding that bit of magic at the bottom of my bag of tricks, i realized it would be better to report i am feeling better...even made some progress on my work today. yesterday's post reads like i felt...confused.

insane in the membrane

feel like shit. feel too much. tripping over easy things. feeling scared. trying not to let it stop me from working through things at work. work is my problem right now. not handling it well. it's a problem that can be addressed, it can be navigated. so why is it freaking me out?

under the guise of not drinking is not enough, i opened up the blue book last night and read about step 5. i firmly believe i could/should/can/will head back and revisit all steps prior. i never finished step 4. but i needed to read.

the last two times i have read the book, it made sense and spoke to me. step five talks about having to tell someone about your fearless moral inventory you have written down. well, i have not written mine down yet. it spoke of how you cannot be free of your past unless you tell someone—not your significant other however. it has gotten me to realize i need to write it all down and give it all away by telling someone about it.

it is something i knew, and saw the value in doing. but not having a full-time official sponsor telling me to keep moving, i sometimes lapse. i know it will not solve everything, including the above anxiety attack work is giving me. but i am very optimistic that it will make a difference in my life. i started reviewing my moral inventory in the car enroute to work today. writing it all down will be tough. telling someone will be tougher. but i will do it.

"Change is not made without inconvenience, even from worse to better." Richard Hooker

sunday, daughter day

went into work for about four hours today to move ahead on a story i am writing. should have finished it, but that's what i'll do tonight and *gulp* probably tomorrow.

daughter has been throwing us some curve balls lately. we're spoiled as she has been real easy as far as crying and throwing fits. but lately she is fighting sleep at naps and bedtime. today she also freaked out at breakfast and would not eat.

when i got home, she was still sleeping. she went down later than usual as she fought the nap big time. my wife left as planned and daughter wound up sleeping two hours instead of her usual one. spent the time FINALLY finishing Confederacy of Dunces. Ignatius Reilly is one hell of a character and i really enjoyed the ending. unbelieveably well-written.

once she woke up, we hung out. good time being daddy. took her on a walk...shorter than usual though since she would not wear her hat and mittens. we also checked out the train. she is not as into it as i thought she might be. she is freaked out by mechanical things—blender, bread machine and vacuum all scare her. the train does not scare her, but she's leary of it. we had an awesome time together and we were both happy to see mom when she returned.

wife and i also got a chance to talk and tell each other how we feel. i highly recommend communicating more than you think is necessary with your significant other. simply amazing results will take place.

dead leaves and the dirty ground

weather is in the 40 degree range today and, thankfully, no rain. the leaves were easier to rake than i thought. but since they were wet, the bags were a heckuva lot heavier. no martha stewart fall visuals to give you since the sun was not out, it was cold and wet.

we had some work done on our foundation before we moved in. as a result there is a lot of mud heaped up in our two front flowerbeds where the digging was done. as it rains, this sinks. but part of the yard where the back hoe came in to do the digging is also muddy and torn up a bit. so part of the time i was raking over mud and it was more of an annoyance than anything else. just glad it is over.

good friends are coming over tonight for dinner. since we just moved, ALL of our hard liquor is stored down in the basement. i do not need it and wife never usually hits this. want to give them some if they want it, but do not want to bring it upstairs unless they do. this is because i am lazy. i'd be more tempted by beer than the bottles...believe it or not.

we'll see what happens. i know these friends well enough that it will not be an awkward moment.

having guests over makes me feel more settled here than i have lately. i like that.

opa!

good to finally see my big fat greek wedding. even better to have date night. we're going to make sure we do it at least once a month. otherwise you get into a routine and, all of a sudden, you turn over in bed one morning and wonder who's sleeping next to you.

finally hooked up the train to put it through a dry run. it is circling endlessly as i type this. it is pretty cool and i think daughter will like it. i KNOW she'll want to get her hands on the cars. we'll figure that out as we go.

dunno what tomorrow holds for me as the weather bites. it is raining, which will make it tough to cut the grass. raking leaves might be a pain too, but i have no choice but to try. hopefully i will also get a run in.

the big news is that wife is actually going to learn how to make her mom's eggplant parmesean. as i've ranted before, my last meal on death row would include this unbelievably tasty dish.

friday

all there is in my head about my favorite subject. ME.

work: I am procrastinating on a nagging project I simply need to finish. But it is Friday, no one is here, weather sucketh muchly and my afternoon is already tanked by a big meeting. Sitting here in suit and tie, I feel less than mature. Will wind up having to come back in on Sunday to trudge through the project no matter what happens.

date night: wife and I are headed out tonight to catch dinner and a movie. we're so far behind in being entertained, we're still interested in catching the summer smash - my big fat greek wedding. daughter's grandma is coming over to watch her.

home: gotta lotta yardwork to deal with on Saturday to keep up with the neighbors. not used to having a big yard, much less one with trees. Weather might actually bring us snow on Saturday too and then there's Christmas lights I should be thinking about here soon. Good news there is our house has an odd, second-floor balcony that will make hanging lights a cinch. Otherwise I will note the 587th thing I like about living in a new house with less character instead of an old house with character out the wazoo...water pressure!

memyselfandi: completely spaced my weekly appointment with my shrink last night and now must wait until a week from Monday to get back in to see her. should be fine. the only thing i wish i had more time for right now? quality time with wife (luckily tonight is date night) and quality time for ME to run. i run in an annual thanksgiving day race...this will be my 8th year doing it. and I am very untrained after ceasing physcial activity due to move. :-(

the other stuff

ok. the thing to the left says I should also tell you about architecture and the like. well, after i bitched about the beer site brought via email, I got this one.

Jefferson blows me away. I really love the symmetry of Monticello. Check the place out. He was always thinking, always moving. Genius.

my life is beer

This Web site was in my mailbox tonight. It was featured in one of those daily "cool" Web site e-mails you can get.

It pisses me off.

Not why you're thinking though. I was going to post it up here—despite the fact that it might be a trigger mechanism for someone else. Then I checked out the site and realized there's not one goddamn non-alcoholic beer on the site.

Fine. N/A beer makes lemonade taste like hard liquor. That said, it is really fucking difficult to find it in comparison to how fucking easy it is to find regular beer.

You pay a premium for it in restaurants—the ones that even carry it. The list goes on how near beer is the ugly bastard child of beer. And I'm fucking tired of it.

sigh. that feels better.

didja know that some soy sauces have more alcohol per volume in them than near beer?!

good, but weird

feeling good, but weird. feel like i am still in transit: job's been changing a lot, home's changed completely, emotions change with the wind, friend's lives are in flux.

i remind myself that change is good. and, long term, it is a good thing. in the meantime, i am acknowledging this so i deal more with the feelings of unease it causes me.

bottom line? i'm a pussy.

example: i've been psycho-paranoid at work lately due to my own insecurities. i've woken up early, without an alarm, thinking about work. twisting, turning and i've literally broken out in a sweat...over WORK. wtf?

thankfully, going with my gut continues to pay off. and luckily i am not questioning myself. but getting this double-jointed over ads? gotta be an easier way to realize the success i am having.

a co-worker and i decided that the "crosses" we bear in life are fucking gifts in comparison to what others deal with and go through. realizing this also helps me snap out of things and just move forward. if you let the emotions speak to you too much, you believe them (note: i am not, nor have i ever heard voices of any kind, thankyouverymuch). if you listen to them, or consider them facts, you forget to move through them. you wind up giving up on things getting better.

switching gears, i am looking forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas—which are eerily closing in on us. good time to spend with daughter and wife.

if the last post did not tell you

pendulum swang back into the good emotions. i got through some of the immediate work on my plate and, as we all know, progress feels good.

need to put my head back down now and push ahead...trudge...trudge...trudge...

brief departure

lost one to affleck. i bow to your ability to access that "sweet jungle rump*." Your acting still sucks, but DAMN jLo's junk in the trunk is the "end all."

* per will ferrell on saturday night live.

addiction as avoidance

its been said that addiction is avoidance. for me it was avoiding feeling any emotions - bad ones at first, but then pretty much any of them. to my fellow addicts out there, what were YOU avoiding?

man at werk

have had daughter all to myself the past two nights and i get her all day saturday. looking forward to it and praying for good weather so we can explore. she now grabs my finger and pulls me across the room to whatever it is she wants to show me. seeing her learn, grow, progress is amazing. *sigh*

from her pull to work's push...it finally hit me. i am busy, but i can do it. the catch is i need to spend more time at work. the kind of time i used to spend before daughter came. my wife is not going to like it, but i gotta do it. heading in on Sunday to catch up/get a jump on things. we already discussed this. my hope is this push is more of a peak and things will return to normal. my fear is normal is not what i've been experiencing for the better part of the last year and a half.

so i have the connundrum of being a good father...making a good living vs. making time. yeah, i should be able to eliminate a life of extremes and figure both out. this too is possible, but i guess my point is we've been lucky the last year and a half. how do i explain this to my much better half?

i cannot please work and home right now as much as i wanna. argh. more dissappointed than stressed about this. slightly fearful it could go back to the pre-daughter days when i'd usually be working late, always be busy, never have enough of anything.

simple sober truth #2,875: you think stopping is the hard part. living is the hard part.

work is more of a means to an end lately. the danger is in focusing so much on the end that your means go unattended. work is never more important (to me). but simply a reality.

head games

had a great session tonight with my psychologist. still am not accepting the fact that I have to feel all of my emotions-suck it up and ride them out. i'm used to acting on them-by drinking typically. now i merely need to feel them. do not like doing it as i am not used to it.

instead, i've been analyzing it all way too much. why i feel a certain way, causes and effects. my head hurts.

at one point, in response to a question from me, she noted i was sincere and she did not think i was rationalizing a certain topic. and it hit me: i AM sincere. sometimes it is to my detriment, but it is a quality i never really thought about.

it is hilarious to have these seemingly breakthrough moments over the simplest things. we spend so much time drinking and creating elaborate, byzantine networks of mazes and tunnels to support our addictions that we forget how to do simple things like feel emotions and see ourselves for who we are.

i never felt like i had my own identity prior to getting sober. i realize now it is because a big part of who i am is a recovering alcoholic. i spent so much time numbing myself to any stimuli, how in the hell would i be able to see myself or decide who i am?

baby steps...in the right direction.

"it's getting better all the time"

just in time for shrink wrap, i have a second wind and am making progress at work. phew. need to figure out how i hash it out tonight. 45 minutes goes by fast.

how i feel

mood: shitty. esteem: low. self-pity: high.

no good can come of this. deleted a rant trying to describe everything i felt today. it's been awhile since the pendulum swung back towards the bad. but here it is. no liver pangs to make it worse thankfully. the only bright side. i've no fucking clue why i am currently feeling this way.

i do not want to analyze it or not act on it or drink it away. just want it gone.

viewer mail

This from 2nd Career Man:

"Interesting comment on having a plan versus "smelling the roses". Only part you left unexamined is why you can't do both? Why can't a plan for your life, your
career, your day, have programmed in some "world appreciation"? Furthermore, doing so (smelling the roses) is not a reason or excuse for not wanting to "move up/ahead", but then again, you don't NEED an excuse for that desire. The world has a need for "professional" ditch diggers, and if everyone were to aspire to be CEO's, the world would be cheated of a diversity that makes the roses worth smelling!"

If only I worked where you work! After six years here, I am a bit jaded. I will state I think that your plan is the road less travelled and, while it is possible to achieve, most pick one or the other extreme. Please note that I do NOT think that one or the other path is more fulfilling. Individuals need to make their own choices. I agree that "professional ditch diggers" can be very happy people. But just having to use that term to get the point across says a lot about society's professional norms. Sadly, everyone here wants you to move up...just not into their own spot. If you do not have the desire to move up, you're labeled. You have to be talented for them to put up with your choice. My CEO is "nice enough" to take care of several people that decided moving ahead does not mean moving up in the organization. He clearly does not understand it or agree with it. But he does support it, so I should not bitch.

We get conflicting messages from management a lot. Example: United Way came in and pitched us for our annual contribution. Our CEO noted he does not "put the screws" on people to contribute, BUT we were one of the lowest contributing companies of our peer group. READ:I cannot force you to donate, but I think you should.

Another example: We want to make sure all resources are maxed before hiring on new people. You are in control of your own lives and your own plates. We'll take every hour you give us, but it is up to you to tell us what you can do. READ: You need to work more. But I do not want to get a rap for impacting your quality of life so by YOU stepping up to the plate, I can have my cake and eat it too.

Like I said, I'm jaded. And I appreciate your insight into doing both. I enjoy my work right now and am very fulfilled. I just get a crap load of cognitive dissonance. What I need to do is keep listening to my gut, vs my liver. I know I am happy and doing the right thing. Screw everyone else. My mentor once wrote me a note I have tucked away in my franklin planner. In all caps, it states: FUCK THE WORLD, FOLLOW YOUR HEART.

It needs to be my t-shirt, bumper sticker, mantra and battle cry. Stay true to thine self? Stop and smell the roses? Instead of touche, I say CLICHE!

ward cleaver?

a close friend, one of maybe two people who know me in real world that also know of and visit this site, was giving me shit about my last couple of posts. I acknowledged that I felt like my content may be dipping into the world of Ward Cleaver.

so whilst the content might be getting a wee bit boring, I have to believe that the winter weather and holidays will bring the usual depression and vitriol that some readers come to enjoy.

I'm still in the new house honeymoon phase, lemme enjoy it. The first mortgage payment and all the bills will be here soon enough and I'll be bitching plenty about not having any money for christmas presents...buying them anyway and then bitching more about living beyond my means.

and I know this makes my friend happy in some sick puppy fashion. it's why I like this person in the first place. "let yer freak flag fly!"

home warranty

insurance is that thing you're glad you pay money for IF you actually use it. color me glad. our first house came with a home warranty. our new house also came with one.

plumber finally came calling after a week or two of turning the toilets off at the wall after use. a couple of the toilets were leaking, we had some dripping faucets and a questionable disposal. we had this happen at old house and we got SLAMMED by a water bill from hell. that explains our howard hughes like approach to using the toilets?!

wife just called to tell me the plumber spent about 3 hours at the house fixing drips in a couple of toilets and sinks. he also switched out our old disposal and fixed our stationery tub (the previous owners had "modified" the plumbing and it drained real slowly).

basically the plumber did in three hours that I would take three weeks to do on a fast track. total cost? $50.00 thanks to the good old home warranty. as a result of this experience, we'll probably renew it next year on our own dime once it expires. we did this at old house and never had to use it. it's an odd feeling hoping stuff will break as it will only cost you $50 to fix.

less than impulse buy

since daughter was born, i have wanted to set up an electric train around the christmas tree. i had a train as a kid, but never put one around the tree. decided it would be a cool annual thing to do. HAD to go with a Lionel O-Guage train. Picked this one:

Merry Friggin' Christmas! :-)

phone home

salvaged my mood upon returning home. dinner out was great and, after daughter went to bed, we watched E.T. on dvd. More than 20 years later and the movie still rocks.

craving's illusion

is it me or is there always something behind a liver pang? driving back from lunch, I got another liver pang. decided I just HAD to get loaded.

it subsided by turning on the music and not thinking too much. it went away and I realized it probably came about due to my conversation over lunch.

when I lunch with friends in the business, the question ALWAYS comes up: "what's your plan? what's next? where's the next gig going to be at?"

I hate this.

right now I am happy. well-paid for doing good work on accounts that I enjoy. I am able to have a life outside of work. long term, like 20 years from now, I would be easily marginialized by someone half my age, willing to work for half the money. IF I stay right here doing what I am doing. I've seen the top where I work and I did not enjoy it...have no aspirations to go higher. purposely came back down from said heights. anyway, long story longer, I need to go client side long term. so it's not a question of what...just when.

but when people ask you about your plan, whether you have one or not, you feel like you should have one. "WHAT? You don't know what you're going to do next?" it's like you're not normal.

I am a big believer of stopping and smelling the roses. this beyond-beaten cliche is one of my soapboxes. some of my friends are so busy getting to the next goal I wholeheartedly believe they do not appreciate or enjoy the current state they are in. so much so, I wonder if they will ever enjoy themselves. they fear if they stop to enjoy, they are back sliding or they risk not getting that new car or bigger house. this is bullshit!

so anyways, I have a plan. I am not psyched about it, but I have it. so why should I feel less than normal for liking my fucking job and not wanting to move around or ahead?

society's norms suck ass. always have and always will. how else can I explain how, after this brief lunch conversation, I find myself coming back from work and feel a liver pang. this pang makes me think that not having booze leaves an empty spot in me? EMPTY SPOT? yeah, if we were born with tumors maybe. I've lost more than 50 pounds getting sober, ran one of my fastest 10K times ever, created a better relationship with my wife, mom, daughter and myself. arguably, I am at the best I have ever been spiritually, physically, professionally and financially. HOW in the fuck can the absence of booze be a bad thing?

fucking addicts. our heads are one giant tumor at times. emotions are not facts. you do not have to act on them. the above shows you HOW those emotions can manifest themselves in you. was not happy, sad or mad...just started questioning myself and my career and whammo! it felt like miller time.

On a brighter note, wife, daughter and I are going out tonight as a family for dinner to celebrate one long year of sobriety. I am looking forward to it. we're celebrating more than the absence of booze. we're celebrating who I am as a result of it and the many benefits of being sober. have a great weekend!