boo, baby. boo.

happy halloween. wife and daughter came out to work for lunch—primarily to show off daughter's costume. at 18 months, halloween is more of a photo opp for her than anything else.

they just dropped me off and, while their visit made my day, I am bummed out right now. seeing them during the day, here at the office, reminds me how much I miss them at work. it is cheesier than a General Foods International Coffee commercial ("Jean Luc!"), but I gotta tell you I am head over heels in love with my daughter. the kid owns me. I guess I love her so much it hurts. reads even cheesier than it sounds, but she makes me one happy "da da."

tonight she will be dressed up again in her fairy costume and dragged to both grandparents with an obligatory stop to the old neighborhood to see some of her friends. Dad will stay behind at home and pass out candy.

is it me or does it feel like a Friday? I had a short week by taking Monday off and I still feel like it should be Friday. somehow that is not a good sign. oy.

random running thoughts

scratched down a few things to post up here as it relates to me and my addiction. one of the last acts of prepping the old house for its new owners involved me finding the bowl I stashed in the rafters of my basement for "emergencies". I do not know what would have constituted an emergency prior to getting off the sauce, but I never came across an emergency after climbing onto the wagon either. I tossed it into the garbage for good measure. Thankfully pot was not tough to eliminate from my life as it pretty much had already left.

Usually. moving was a great opp for me to have several beers during and after the heavy lifting. Pleased to note as stressful as our move was, I did not miss this signature part of the event. I was just glad to get it all over and done.

Ben Affleck is a terrible actor, but Changing Lanes could have sucked more than it did. The main reason I enjoyed it was watching Samuel Jackson NOT stray off the wagon. He plays a recovering alcoholic and his sponsor is played by William Hurt. It was te highlight of the film for me. at one point, Jackson's life is pretty well enthralled in chaos and he yells at Hurt to note he has not been drinking. To which I said aloud: "NOT drinking is NOT enough!" I should have t-shirts made up, right?

Finally, the move has become a great opportunity to spend more time with my Mom. We've been doing just that and it is helping things. My hope is we'll continue the regular contact leading up to and post-Thanksgiving. I'm pretty psyched right now we're hosting my family for Thanksgiving this year. Well timed. bye.

bottom

When I was drinking, I rationalized my behavior and actions by telling myself, "I'll quit once I hit bottom." That's how in denial I was. I was admitting I had a problem, but still enabling myself to drink by saying the above.

I'm here with this post to tell my story. I do not follow AA formally. I've never been able to share offline at a meeting. Before I tell it, let me note that bottom is relative. I've read about some hard cases—people that have a choice to either stop drinking or die. They've gotten sober, picked themselves up and rebuilt their lives from seemingly nothing. I respect them. You most likely will not categorize me as being a hard case. But keep in mind, bottom is relative. This is my bottom. It is not better or worse, just different.

"My name is Lost One and I am an alcoholic. It has been one year since my last drink."

This post celebrates a year of sobriety. Mine. My anniversary is Tuesday, October 29.

October 2001 was a busy month socially. Our daughter was six months old and, for the first time since her birth, we were finally starting to get out again. On October 21st we attended a friend's wedding. I blacked out upon returning home from the wedding reception.

I've blacked out plenty of times before. Usually I would realize I'd done something stupid while in a blackout once my wife woke up the next morning. She had to tell me what I'd done.

For whatever reason, I dodged the bullet again and nothing happened after the wedding reception. We came home and I just went right to bed. October 28th, we went to a friend's annual Halloween party. Our daughter was at a sitter the weekend prior, so my wife brought her with us (in costume). My wife and daughter then left early so daughter could go to bed on time. This left me at the party alone with a friend giving me a ride home.

As I walked wife and daughter to the car that night, I will never forget her looking at me and warning me to "be careful." She knew she was essentially leaving me with an unlimited supply of beer. I assured her I would be careful, but had no clue how much I was lying to her at the time.

That evening I drank to my heart's content. The beers went down like water. I also smoked some pot. Back in college, I could smoke pot, drink beer and still function. I could no longer handle the combination.

I really only remember flashes of the evening as my blackout set in. The memories almost feel like an out of body experience. I partied along with everyone in costume. My friends note, in hindsight, they could tell I'd had too much to drink—but they'd seen me like this before.

At the late end of a long evening, my friend took me home and dropped me off. I vaguely recall being in my driveway and in his car. But I do not remember getting into the house. My friend told me he advised me to "be good" and head straight to bed.

Evidently I entered the house through the back door. After my wife heard something downstairs, she came into the kitchen to find me pissing on the floor.

Sadly, this has happened to me more than a half dozen times in the past. Everyone always thought it was funny and I always rationalized that it was a rare occurrence. Translation: not a big deal.

My wife put me to bed in the guest bedroom. She was tired of this behavior—understandably. She later heard me getting up from bed and came into the bedroom to find me pissing on the bedroom floor as well. After that, I slept through the night. I had no recollection of the night's ending when I woke up that morning. I knew I'd done something wrong since I was not in our bed.

My wife came into the room and proceeded to tell me what had happened. She was in tears and told me she could not live like this anymore. When this happened in the past, I always promised it was an isolated incident and I'd be careful to ensure it did not happen again. Now our daughter was in the picture as well. She had not witnessed my actions this time. But who was to say if she would not see me do something like this in the future?

Here I was, hung over, bracing for this discussion for the umpteenth time, feeling the pit of my stomach drop and FINALLY it hit me. "My wife is being directly impacted by my drinking. My daughter is next in line. I AM an alcoholic." There was no more denying it. I had hit bottom.

I told my wife I was an alcoholic. She agreed with me. A rush of relief surged over me upon admitting it to myself and telling my wife I was quitting.

Some friends were tougher to convince. They assumed ONE incident was driving my decision. Once I told them the whole story of my habit, they realized it was merely a catalyst.

I used to stop on the way home from work and buy a 22oz beer to drink—enroute while driving home (about a half hour drive). This was a precaution to ensure I got enough to drink. My wife was concerned I was drinking too much during the week—this helped avoid it. I'm 6'2" and, at the time, was pushing 250 lbs. It never occurred to me that drinking and driving was not only illegal, it was dangerous. How I never got a DUI while drinking is beyond me.

I was always the one wanting to drink. I had a beer huggie, bottle opener and a sleeve of cups in my office at work. We used to have beer bashes at work, so I never thought having all of these props were a little extreme. Work was often an excuse to drink. When working late or coming in on the weekends to work, I'd head out and buy a six-pack. This also made pissing while NOT in a black out a problem. Many times while heading home for the evening I was forced to stop somewhere to make a rest stop.

Those are just two other examples of how drinking was controlling my life. It took me pissing everywhere in my house BUT the toilet to hit bottom. But I finally got there. Then, in rolled the pink clouds. One year later, what have I learned? Plenty.

I am not an island. My feelings are not facts I have to act on. My feelings are something I want to feel and deal with now. My relationship with myself and with my wife has improved vastly. I have a better idea of who in the hell I am. A friend pointed out to me that I realized I was sober on Halloween—perhaps I was finally taking off my mask? My alcoholism is part of my identity. Prior to this I hid as much as I could from myself by drinking.

You can read about what else I've learned throughout this site. Why did I name it after a shitty tv show? At the time, I thought it sounded cool. But maybe I thought I was going to be talking about where I felt I was when I was drinking.

Thank you for being a part of my recovery. Here's to what's next...that will be chronicled here too. It never gets easier to stay sober. But you can be sure I'll be bitching, moaning and sharing here all about that one day at a time. Here's to today. Here's to us!

project greener grass

I took to calling our house hunt "project greener grass" at first as a bit of a joke...the grass is ALWAYS greener, right? I was happy in our old house. I even noted said comfort and happiness to myself back in late April/early May. I clearly remember doing so as I pulled into the driveway, returning home from work.

thank my higher power that wife has vision.

no, she did not know the market would get as good as its gotten for buying a house. but she knew we would need a house if we have baby 2 (cross fingers and knock wood that the boys can still swim). she also saw, better than I, that our old neighborhood in time is going to be questionable for raising two kids within. add the thru traffic we get and BAM...we were in the market for a new house.

flash forward six months and we are now in the new house. we turn keys over for our old house on Wednesday. I won't bore you with any details of likes and dislikes or get nostalgic over old house (I did that already and I can always bore you with new house details later, right?). but suffice to say, we even have Internet access back (cable modems rock!) now and all is well. new place, new life. greener grass. joy. or to use my daughter's latest phrase "appy appy!" translation: happy happy!

home stretch

tough to focus this week at work. bad time to be moving...as if there were ever a good time. i'm busy and i get a new boss on monday. i'll also be out on vacation monday to finish moving and celebrate my year of sobriety (knock wood. we're not there yet. one day at a time.).

complicating things further for me is we do not get cable access till monday. this means no web surfing from friday after work till who knows when on monday. fine. i need to get a life. but i like having access at any given time. there will be plenty to do around the house to the point i probably will not miss it.

back to work today...got into a shitty mood at lunch when a coworker i report to laid out her plans for work. those plans probably will entail her leaving. it seems like everyone always wants to leave and move on. not everyone does anything about it. i used to bitch about it. now i wonder if i'm stupid for being happy just staying put. her plans screwed with me to the point that i started freaking that when i'm in my 50s I'll be overpriced and marginalized by someone half my age who will do better work than me for less. yeah, i took a bit of a leap. i have an active imagination.

sometimes i wish i did not give a shit. i wish in general i could tune it all out, go back to being island boy. could i shut everyone out sober? sadly, the booze merely covered up the fact that I cannot be island boy. ain't gonna work. i am people...people who need people...doph! sorry. trying to pull out of shitty mood that found me again at home. i temporarily shook the lunch bad mood thanks to another coworker who snapped me out of it. but alas, it has settled in again as i realize i would rather write blog entries all day as opposed to writing on behalf of my clients.

is it just me, or...

does this product and its instructions make you wonder what in the hell they're *really* using it for?

closing time

"Closing time, time for you to go back to the places you will be from
Closing time, every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end"

Sweet crap, did I just quote Semisonic? Fuck sakes, how do I know who Semisonic is in the first place? But I digress

Monday we close on our current home. The week will be filled with trips back and forth between houses...moving small crap. Saturday will bring movers, friends to help the movers and an end to our four years here. I'll miss this house for many reasons. Some I've blathered on about here.

I'm also quite psyched about getting a new start in the new home. There's a lot that needs fixing in the new joint, more to do than when we moved in here. But I need the practice to evolve from the Colonel Hacker, Jimmy Jack, Mickey Mouse Mr. Fix-it I currently am to a Mini Bob Vila Jr of some sort. We painted most of the weekend and moved a little bit of stuff. We'll finish painting this week prior to getting some new carpet upstairs in the bedrooms. It will be my own version of "Trading Spaces" with more people and more days to do the work.

But first, Monday. Luckily tomorrow night I have another meeting with my psychologist. Looking forward to sharing my chaos theory with her. It's my own way of acknowledging the bad emotions ain't going anywhere.

BAD segue: a great friend of mine once had the following conversation with his father at the end of a heated argument...

DAD: You're not going nowhere tonight!

SON: No, Dad. That's a double negative. I'm not going anywhere tonight.

Having grown up in an Irish/German Catholic family, if I had launched this wicked perfect response across my old man's bow, I would have had to apologize...once I regained conciousness.

hee hee

one more reason i like the onion. shirts like this one:

addiction's chaos theory

what is it about addicts and chaos? perhaps it's a thread woven into our DNA.

Theophany has noted that you just assume doing all the right things will eliminate chaos from your life...not drinking, following ALL the rules, being a good person. WRONG! Chaos still kicks your can. Maybe it is a bizzare gravitational force like the tides reacting to the pull of the moon? Whatever it is, it sucks.

Returned home from week 2 road trip. All went swimmingly on the road. And during this time of me working hard, my wife was working harder. In addition to raising our daughter, she's been managing the move. ALL the little details...too many to bore you with. Except for this one.

Due to our homebuyers chosen method of funding, we had to make some minor repairs to comply with safety regulations. No biggie if it sells the house. But, due to poor timing, I returned home late Wednesday and had to replace two window panes in our basement that evening. Removing glazing compound from windows in an 80 year old home is like chipping off small shards of concrete—and loads of fun. Most amazing was, as darkness set in and I hammered away at the window frames, NONE of my neighbors came outside when they heard breaking glass.

Anyway, it is impossible for daughter to sleep through this. We postponed her bedtime. My wife then reveals to me how she feels about managing all of my life outside of work right now. Needless to say she is not happy. Unfortunately, being a typical male, I tried to point out that work is a means to an end for life. ergo: money makes our world go round. Smart idea. It came off as shitty as you might think. I might as well have said, "I bring home the bacon. You cook it, bitch."

Now this WAS NOT how I felt about the situation. We actually communicate about things now thankfully. So we have worked through that particular issue.

Fast forward to Friday.I took a vacation day to close on our current home and our new home. A chaos lover's special to do two in one day. Our buyers, also being rooted in chaos, waited until the last minute to clear up a credit card debt. This debt needed to be settled so they could get their mortgage. Funds were wired to complete this major act of commerce, but not in time to actually close our house. Of course, not being independently wealthy, we needed to close to get funds for buying our new house.

Envision a stack of dominoes tumbling at the realization of this fact. Vacation day—wasted. Closing on our new house—postponed. Weekend of moving and painting—cancelled. Carpet cleaning for next week—impossible. Rescheduling for both closings—gonna suck.

I shared how this made me feel with the buyers realtor. He silently allowed me equal time as I told him how challenged I was by this news.

Luckily there is something known as a "dry closing." Yeah, my wife and I heard "dry humping" each time the phrase was used. Dry closing actually has the opposite affect though. We closed on our new house and got the keys. Funds will be exchanged once we close on our current home. So we are only out one major inconvenience instead of a long line of them.

Chaos seemingly averted. However now we have a weekend of painting and moving small things prior to the big and final move next weekend.

I am chaos. Hear me roar!

road trip

tomorrow I'm leaving town for an overnight business trip. this one is easy compared to my last trip. it's shorter and all i have to do is learn on behalf of my client. it's a fact-finding mission of sorts.

sure, there will be the usual game faces needed, but it should go well.

so why am i fucking anxious? a year into this gig and I see things more clearly. but part of me wants to eliminate irrational emotion. since i cannot drink through it, my head tells me i should be able to eliminate it.

my shrink and i have discussed this. it's silly. a certain level of nerves means i have a pulse and i am normal. if i did not feel nervous i might not do a good job.

it's simple shit like this that i am relearning. i did not grow in many ways once i started drinking. i hit pause on my emotional growth. so now i am 32 years old and taking baby steps. beats suspended animation any day.

same shit, different blog

realized as I drank some near beer this weekend that if you drop the s on a can of sharps, you can say you're drinking harps.

it's like trying to pass off a rice cake for steak.

missed booze this weekend when it actually occurred to me that, as an alcoholic, i never get to drink again. done. no matter how special the occasion. no matter how big the accomplishment.

fine. i already knew this fact. i also know it does not change the special occasion. my daughter's wedding day will still be the happiest and saddest day in my life for all the obvious reasons. but goddammit, it pisses me off i'll never drink again.

i miss it. i do not need it. know what it will do to me if i do start again. do not feel in danger of falling off the wagon. i just really fucking miss it.

some times that it hits me: 1) at the end of trading spaces. after the "reveal" the two couples toast champagne. i could give a shit about champagne. but i have caught myself thinking what a pain in the ass it would be if i did trading spaces, cause i'd have to make sure they brought me non-alcoholic champagne. 2) when we're packing shit to move and i pack the wine glasses we bought in venice. the wine glasses that are fucking perfect. the wine glasses i hauled around for the rest of the trip. the wine glasses i used to try several types of kool-aid they pass off for non-alcoholic wine...only to realize i am fucked. that kool-aid is my only option from here on out.

there are other moments. they probably seem as silly as the ones above. i am damn proud i stopped drinking for 11 months. i have witnessed the vast improvement it has made in my life, with my relationships with others and more. but i still miss drinking.

and that's why they call it a disease.

we interrupt this program

the sad state of public service announcements can be seen at alex kid's blog. when you think your life sucks, consider the state of mind you would have to be in to throw your newborn baby into a dumpster. this world is fucked up deluxe.

relief

Three weeks left and counting in what might be my busiest month of the year. Luckily we've sailed successfully through the biggest week. The work event I was running had awesome turn out. I also managed to write a nine-page strategic plan for another client that was approved in its entirety. So after being completely in the zone for the past two to three weeks, it feels good knowing I survived the high water mark. It feels great knowing I did it successfully.

Now I need to catch up on everything I blew off last week while I was pulling the event together. Today and tonight I have been getting reacquainted with my family. My daughter loves the giant super ball I bought her (hotel gift shop or hotel guilt shop?). When you slam it on the ground, lights flash and sound effects come crashing out of it.

Next up is the move. We close on both houses in one day and immediately begin prepping the house we'll move into. We've got seven days to get a few key things done prior to the big move like painting some bedrooms before getting some carpet put in. We've been watching Trading Spaces for inspiration and encouragement. Heck, seven days are 3.5 projects for them. The stuff we'll do before moving in should be easy though.

I'm glad this month is busy in certain respects as I approach the end of my first year of sobriety. It makes it easier to stay sober when I am that focused on work. The only problem is I do not work on my recovery as a person and spiritually while I am in that zone. Not drinking is simply not enough. But recognizing this fact alone was a wee bit of growth, so hopefully I can address it more in the future. That way my recovery will have peaks and valleys much like my work. It occurs to me I may never have mentioned the first book I read on alcoholism. It is the one that helped me the most: First-Year Sobriety: When all that changes is everything. I just realized the cover is pink. I get the joke now. Anway, check it out. It's a good, fast read.

empty blog, full life

all is well. heading out tomorrow for chicago and the big event. all signs point to go. life in general is busy and hectic, but good.

told my mom i am an alcoholic this weekend. she knew it had been almost a year since i stopped drinking, but...

it went very well, very smoothly. figured out with my shrink that rather than tell her i want her in my life, i should just get her into my life. i've been bitching about the "rules" so much, i have not been playing the "game" of life.

she was here all day saturday for our garage sale and, while i will see her before this event, she will be spending thanksgiving with us in our new home.

daughter continues to amaze me and i will miss her dearly until wednesday evening. i'll have access from a dialup laptop while i am away. maybe you will hear more from the likes of me.

have an excellent week. simply beautiful!

search sucks

that cornball, children's saturday morning tv program - Land of the Lost - is pulling some nice traffic to this site. Someone in Hollywood should wise up and start tracking what nostalgic characters, shows and topics pop up most on search engines when deciding which brand they should pump money into and revive. It worked for Spiderman.

where I work we offer a service that aims to place you at the top of searches...search engine strategy we call it. it's maddening. every engine has different rules and when you find a way to beat the system...they change the rules. and other times there is seemingly no rhyme or reason to it at all. end result is your clients think YOU are changing the rules on THEM to make more money. Trust me. We'd love to get them placed at the top of the pile and move on. I know one person in particular that would reach nirvana if that were the case.

I've been noting what referrals I get to this site and another one I run. The Land of the Lost searches are off the charts. And each time these nostalgic fools click on my page, what a nice surprise they get: sobering thought. ;-) Anyway, on my other site I get even better results on a lot of engines. It is bizzare that someone can be paid to get you top placement and someone else can not even try and pull it off. It's brutal. But it pays the bills, right?

"button, button who's got the button?"

"the red, shiny, candy-like button!"* after I quit drinking, I realized I had intense emotions. I also had no clue what to do with them when I felt them. My brain and body got so used to drinking when they sensed intense emotions, they forgot what intense emotions were like. They forgot how to deal with them at all.

What's funny is I think I was looking for a similar defense mechanism from my psychologist visits. I assumed we'd hash out and organize me and my issues and then she'd dictate to me what I should do. I'd do it and life would move on. Basically, I assumed my therapist would teach me how to block out emotions like I did when I drank.

Thankfully, I realized this was the case. And I obviously want to feel my emotions. So I accept now that the roller coaster of emotions will never go away. I realize that is a good thing. The trick is being aware of what's going on and not getting caught up in the emotion and let it carry you away.

The good news is I will get used to the twists, turns and hills intense emotions bring me (flashback to a 360 degree turn on The Beast...a wicked good wooden roller coaster. You always KNEW to lean in the opposite direction of the person sitting next to you...otherwise you'd bonk heads). Anyway, my therapist is good. She lets me prattle on about what I learned since we last met. As I update her she asks me questions that help me learn even more about myself and situations.

This shit is exhausting. I asked her if there is anything else I can do to deal with it. She merely suggested to continue feeling the intense emotions. Practice makes perfect. If only there were some kind of button I could press to fix things. But instead I climb into the car and pull down the safety bar for one more ride.

the headline and lead quote pay homage to Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory as well as Ren & Stimpy, respectively.

stranger than fiction

the zone is treating me better than usual. i am surviving and, technically, thriving. the end result is a confidence boost and a much needed second wind to make it through the next two weeks of work.

two quick, funny, real-life work stories: we have a new e-mail system at work. at monday's training, i walked up to one of the leaders of it, a coworker, and asked him what the "e" in e-mail stood for. the stooge actually thought i was serious.

the serious look of concern on his face gave me a mixed feeling of joy and regret. this stooge is important enough that i wanted to make sure he knew i was joking. how in the hell was i to know he has no sense of humor? i'm signing him up to be in his own personal dilbert cartoon. that or checking him to see if he is battery-operated.

had a new client meeting today that went really well. especially since i will not be doing the work. i've worked with the primary client contact in the past. she made a parting comment that she liked my haircut. "it looks modern." what the fuck do you say to that other than thanks? oh, and did i mention she does the kiss-cheek, hug hello? she did this with my CEO the first time i worked with her. on my second tour of duty with her, I now also get this totally improper business greeting. after four years of marriage, i am still awkward with it when i do it with wife's Italian family. it's one big Seinfeld episode.

ok, maybe the above stories are not so humorous to those that did not witness them in person. but it's a blog. yer not paying for this content so back off!

can you tell it is time for my weekly shrink rap? i crave some input on how to deal with my raging emotions. they are not fact, but they are something i need to deal with more constructively and effectively.

well, back to work!