same shit, different blog

realized as I drank some near beer this weekend that if you drop the s on a can of sharps, you can say you're drinking harps.

it's like trying to pass off a rice cake for steak.

missed booze this weekend when it actually occurred to me that, as an alcoholic, i never get to drink again. done. no matter how special the occasion. no matter how big the accomplishment.

fine. i already knew this fact. i also know it does not change the special occasion. my daughter's wedding day will still be the happiest and saddest day in my life for all the obvious reasons. but goddammit, it pisses me off i'll never drink again.

i miss it. i do not need it. know what it will do to me if i do start again. do not feel in danger of falling off the wagon. i just really fucking miss it.

some times that it hits me: 1) at the end of trading spaces. after the "reveal" the two couples toast champagne. i could give a shit about champagne. but i have caught myself thinking what a pain in the ass it would be if i did trading spaces, cause i'd have to make sure they brought me non-alcoholic champagne. 2) when we're packing shit to move and i pack the wine glasses we bought in venice. the wine glasses that are fucking perfect. the wine glasses i hauled around for the rest of the trip. the wine glasses i used to try several types of kool-aid they pass off for non-alcoholic wine...only to realize i am fucked. that kool-aid is my only option from here on out.

there are other moments. they probably seem as silly as the ones above. i am damn proud i stopped drinking for 11 months. i have witnessed the vast improvement it has made in my life, with my relationships with others and more. but i still miss drinking.

and that's why they call it a disease.