"button, button who's got the button?"

"the red, shiny, candy-like button!"* after I quit drinking, I realized I had intense emotions. I also had no clue what to do with them when I felt them. My brain and body got so used to drinking when they sensed intense emotions, they forgot what intense emotions were like. They forgot how to deal with them at all.

What's funny is I think I was looking for a similar defense mechanism from my psychologist visits. I assumed we'd hash out and organize me and my issues and then she'd dictate to me what I should do. I'd do it and life would move on. Basically, I assumed my therapist would teach me how to block out emotions like I did when I drank.

Thankfully, I realized this was the case. And I obviously want to feel my emotions. So I accept now that the roller coaster of emotions will never go away. I realize that is a good thing. The trick is being aware of what's going on and not getting caught up in the emotion and let it carry you away.

The good news is I will get used to the twists, turns and hills intense emotions bring me (flashback to a 360 degree turn on The Beast...a wicked good wooden roller coaster. You always KNEW to lean in the opposite direction of the person sitting next to you...otherwise you'd bonk heads). Anyway, my therapist is good. She lets me prattle on about what I learned since we last met. As I update her she asks me questions that help me learn even more about myself and situations.

This shit is exhausting. I asked her if there is anything else I can do to deal with it. She merely suggested to continue feeling the intense emotions. Practice makes perfect. If only there were some kind of button I could press to fix things. But instead I climb into the car and pull down the safety bar for one more ride.

the headline and lead quote pay homage to Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory as well as Ren & Stimpy, respectively.