watch the creature

today I read some posts from my fellow addicted bloggers that have simply blown me away. they provide me with examples of how to live my life. reading what has happened to them, and how well they've handled these situations, has been humbling. their posts help me more than they could possibly know.

more than anything, I realize I need more honesty in my life—particularly honesty with myself.

honesty has been easier since admitting to myself that I was an alcoholic. with the benefit of hindsight, I can now see all of the signs were right there before my eyes—from my behavior to actual drinking patterns and much more. the signs that were before me were red, flashing neon and screaming at me to admit my problem.

my freshman year in college, my Dad even sent me a note to warn me that I should be careful with alcohol. it said "watch the creature."

this was more than the usual parental concern. my Dad was an alcoholic and was sober for 20 years before dying from liver failure at age 58. my Dad knew I had it in my genes and was predisposed to be an alcoholic.

deep down, I knew it too. but I blew off reality. when I did not ignore the problem, I rationalized it or denied it. mostly, I just did not see it —I was too busy drinking. I was least honest about my problem with myself.

in two weeks, I'll have been sober for 11 months. since admitting my problem, I've gotten better about being honest, but I still find myself being lulled into less than realistic views on things. bottom line is I am still lying to myself. and whether they are white lies or purple ones they are bad.

my Dad told me to watch the creature. he felt the alcohol was a creature. well, I admit I am powerless to alcohol. as a result, it seems pretty powerful. but now that I am sober, I realize I am the creature. I am a work in progress that hopefully learns and grows a little more every day. but left unattended, bad things can happen.