up late on a school night

the holiday vacation continues and i am hitting my stride. won't be heading back into work until next year...next year sounds better than thursday.

have spent most of the time off digging into some movies, spending tons of time with daughter and even being productive at home.

built a fire tonight. less for the heat (its been pretty warm today), more to get rid of the old, rotting wood the previous owners left behind.

the sensory experience of a roaring fire reminds me of rage—all consuming, leaving only ashes. this is a tangent from my realization that acting on my emotions can hurt more people than just myself.

i am rearranging how i consider wife and daughter. this is thanks in part to a wise, recovering addict who shall remain nameless. this person gave me some beautiful advice, pieces of which i note here:

"The love you have for your wife and child will protect you because it is a living energy you have invested your best in......You need to circle around your LIFE, not your addiction. The force you might embrace is not fear, but that of breath... breathing. It is a change of focus, BOOM. it's easier than energy expended on individual symptoms=addictions, but instead clarity/healing directed to the source."

i have this flaw of not giving myself enough credit, not trusting myself more. i know the elevator is ALWAYS waiting to take me right back to the hell i left behind when i stopped drinking. with my hp, i will stay vigilant and aware of this fact. but i spend so much time focusing on my addiction, so much time focusing on my problems, i neglect the very reasons why i want to be clean in the first place. my family. they give me strength. they are my everything.

why are YOU staying sober, not using, recovering? don't get so focused on recovery you lose sight of why you are doing it. it takes something completely amazing to get you to stop drinking, using, practicing in the first place. consider it again. circle around it.

enough serious shit. it's back to the dvds for me!

xmas eve's acting out

i always chalked up the "feelings are not facts" line to times when i wanted to take a drink. those times when chaos would rear its ugly head and i would want to make a hasty retreat to booze.

christmas eve presented two situations where the line applied, but these situations had little to do with wanting to drink.

rearview mirror: we were enroute to the well-intended circus known as christmas mass. i was backing the van out of the garage. the passenger side mirror made contact with the garage door frame. fine. i was backing up the car and hit the house...but it was not that dramatic. no damage was really inflicted upon home or vehicle.

as we get used to our new digs, i am still getting used to whipping the cars into and out of the garage while still having plenty of room around them. i have made contact with mirror and door frame before. my wife had been poking fun at me around the whole topic lately. when i hit the house on christmas eve, she snapped at me. i lost my shit, slammed the car into park, stomped on the parking brake, started to get out of the car and, in the flurry of movement, honked the horn by accident. i then got into the back of the van with daughter. i exploded because she was giving me a hard time about it and now she was also yelling at me about it.

yeah, daughter got to witness my tantrum. this probably is what pissed off my wife the most. at the time, it seemed like nothing more than a badly handled punctuation to the moment. i overreacted, but the emotions were all out. it was over. we proceeded to church and the hour spent in a tightly packed cry room erased the incident from our heads.

santa's workshop: end of the night, daughter fast asleep. we were assembling a couple of toys and trying to figure out the best way to rearrange some furniture for the optimal christmas morning. hey, there were some big gifts involved and as new parents were engineering a serious kodak moment. rather than tell my wife i did not think moving the coffee table to a specific area was a good idea, i agreed with her—in an angry, sarcastic way that clearly told her i disagreed. it's a trademark reaction of mine. she's tired of dealing with the way i sometimes deal with things. this was one of those times.

in re-reading the above, it all reads pretty simple and petty. the above is not dr. phil or montel material...i know this. you had to be there. bottom line is i still need to feel pissed, angry and more. i also must learn to not act out on these feelings. it inflicts the feelings onto someone else.

ALL feelings, no matter HOW they are created, are not facts. you do not have to act on them. in most cases, you should not act on them.

were you to ask my wife how her christmas eve went, she would tell you it was great. it was a great night. it could have been even better, but at least i learned something from it.

santa's fists of rage

sounds like a half-assed x-box game, eh? well, it's a teaser for a post forthcoming on how i acted on my emotions on christmas eve. i did not drink. i got angry though and basically ruined two parts of my wife's christmas eve - the beginning and ending.

felt super sorry for myself when she told me all this late evening on the 24th. but then i sucked it up and realized i must take responsibility for my actions.

but that is for the post-to-come.

overall, if my holidays were going any better, i'd be in the background at the end of its a wonderful life. i'd be one of the happy townies tossing a wad of cash at george bailey.

daughter loves her new toys and santa did not go off the wagon while putting the toys together, we got a white christmas...but not so much i had to shovel. and after plenty of proscuitto and fresh mozzerlla on christmas morn, my cholesterol test came back and it's the lowest ever. from 277 to 201 over the course of a year and a half.

on the home front: just finished painting the family room. two walls are green, two smaller walls are eggplant/purple (think trading spaces vs. dr. seuss). most homeowners would not have the balls to go so dark/trendy on the color. then they bitch about their beige world. we're opting to be the ones people talk about.

digital cable pays for itself thanks to the digital music stations that come along with it. we use it as our stereo now when we're eating dinner and we used it non-stop during our painting. they play good tunes you have not listened to in a long time, but would not stop to go back and dig up to listen to yourself. plenty of stations too—from 70s and 80s stations to party tunes, big band, jazz, classic rock and even holiday music. it's a beautiful thing i tell ya.

on the car front: according to my mechanic...the only thing holding my driver side tire together was air. two new tires, new battery, oil change and new wiper blades set me back a cool $300. thankfully the christmas bills are not here yet. i wonder if my mechanic wants to beat me senseless for my lack of preventitive maintenance. what typically happens is something like this that gets me back into the "car care zone."

tonight, we head to my mom's for a late family christmas...long story, but i spent christmas eve with my mom...this is an in-town family christmas celebration since my wife's christmas tradition conflicts violently with my sister-in-laws. it makes for great fun.

you can expect a full report. until then...easy does it.

bone dry

this is not a reference to my sobriety. this is an attempt at a catchy headline that also references my approach to my holiday vacation: sucking the marrow right out of this vacation and savoring every last drop.

my version of carpe diem has changed dramatically over the past couple of years. it used to be really self-focused, not very productive and—of course—had the obligatory booze sprinkled throughout.

now it involves me spending tons of time with my family, being productive and doing stuff I consider fun and relaxing. although i typically wind up staying up late to do the last part. but like i said, i am pushing at all four corners of this vacation and sleep is not the highest priority for me.

my doctor had me come in and schedule another cholesterol test. waaaay back i tested at like 277 or something crazy like that. in the process of losing 55 pounds, i also lost over 60 cholesterol points and got it down to 209...keeping myself off LIPITOR. well, the doc wants to make sure i am still low. so when do i schedule my blood test?! this morning. WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?!

i had enough cheese, butter and meat over the holidays to choke a bear. the test results should be a hoot.

shit storm

just sailed through a short week that was tall on work. got it all done though. this made me happy!

there was more chaos than seemed necessary last week. my plate is full at work. between that and being a procrastinator, the end result is conflict. at least two times this week my conflicting deadlines put others at odds. the laws of physics mean i simply am NOT going to be able to deliver everything on time.

are there ways i could have avoided all of the conflict and made the deadlines? perhaps by telling everyone about all of the deadlines so perhaps we could shuffle things around. but then there are people that would make you think that if you do not get it done by year's end, there will be no new year. the fate of the free world is in the balance and if you do not make this deadline.....TIP! the end of the year push/mania is a crock of shit. it's two fucking weeks people!

there are times i think that, despite being in marketing, i have no communication skills. i let shit like this happen.

then i stumbled onto this gem of truth on addicted bloggers:

"it's a natural response for me to feel guilty when anything chaotic happens in my life."

wow. Trinity wrote this and it nailed how i was feeling this last week to a T. we are not the axis on which chaos spins. there are times i allow myself to be put into this place. need to stop doing it, too—if only for a healthier career. while others were at odds this week, the steps i could have taken to avoid conflict might not have worked. the end of the year hurtle that has everyone frothing will not slow down if i raise a red flag, or a white one for that matter. i am not going to let myself lose sleep over it. what i am TRYING to say here is, i take responsibility for my life, but only those things that i should have control over in the first place. insert serenity prayer here.

had a great weekend, despite my daughter being sick as a dog on friday. my wife bailed out on my work christmas party and on saturday we both bailed out on an awesome annual christmas party held by a friend. all to tend to daughter. she is not herself when she is sick, but we had a great time as a family.

one more day and my ass is on vacation until NEXT YEAR. it's a short list i have to accomplish tomorrow too. phew!

looking forward to posting more thoughtful stuff up here during the break. but i will warn you...it took me a couple of days just to formulate these thoughts. too much work writing is draining my work up here i guess?! that and the end of the year crunch at home. but that crunch is a fun one, not so much a conflict per se. looking forward to the holidays. :-)

re-entry burn

thought i was prepped for reentry at work today after being out sick yesterday. what did i know. even the weather was nasty today. luckily we've moved past "mistake." but i was clearly not 100 percent while work was on 110 percent today.

working late tonight and possibly all week to deal with it all. then? the weekend, one more work day and vacation for the rest of the month/year. so i have incentive to bust it.

daughter caught whatever i had and luckily she is already past it. the blessing of a 24-virus in your child...it moves quickly. in adults? it stays around just long enough to make your co-workers think you're faking or interviewing or whatever.

ralph

the party went well. unfortunately i was not feeling well for the bulk of it. turns out i have the flu. i'm home right now...taking a sick day. decided it would be best after seeing my dinner twice last night. not fun.

interesting note from the party: watching my nieces and nephews play my freestanding video arcade game (Crystal Castles). they all wanted to know where the reset button was at. eventually they asked me to play and it became apparant that i spent too much time on this game back in the day.

as far as work, i am trying not to freak that i am missing a day and work deadlines will not really move to accomodate this. the good news here is that it's just the whole "get it done by end of year" mentality vs. real deadlines that drive this mania. so it should work out fine.

time to go take some more tylenol and fluids. i feel as though i have been kidney punched.

fa la la la la

spent the weekend decking our halls in preparation for a family holiday party that is set to start any minute here. it is good to have a clean house packed with food and beverage and decorated for the holidays. so i have made it past my fuck christmas mood and am finally on the christmas spirit bandwagon vs. falling off the other wagon and having some spirits!

my wife got us tickets to go see jerry seinfeld in mid-January. this should be a lot of fun.

this whole entry is designed to put some distance between me and the last posts on "the mistake."

Tonight I will probably direct this nervous energy into prepping for what will be a busy week. You'd be amazed at how much crap people try and pack into the last full week of the year.

This Friday is our annual holiday Christmas party. Only half my coworkers will be there due to the proximity to the actual holiday and a ton of people leaving town. But there are others that have issues with it. It's held in a stuffy "club" with marble, wood and conservative decorations. It also includes a speech from our CEO. And make no mistake, it is a speech.

I'm going and I'm not even getting to tap into the free booze that flows throughout the evening. I really feel that people make this party out to be a bigger pain in the ass than it really is. Kinda like life is what you make of it, this party is too.

The speech is a small price to pay for a few hours of hanging out with your coworkers, their spouses/partners/dates/small barnyard animals and enjoying an excellent dinner and celebrating the holidays together.

So the above is proof I have come full circle from Grinch to Father Christmas. Perhaps my family party will take some of this wind out of my sails...

day 2

came in this morning ready to hit it; second wind and all. then found out the document that was only sent to three media outlets was posted online - error and all - by one of them. spent the morning fixing that problem and making sure that was the only other place it would appear.

from then on, i was off balance and could not get optimistic or confident. thankfully i was not paralyzed by it all though. that's progress.

tomorrow's another day. i am sober. hear me roar.

mistake

my client informed me of an error in a document I distributed to the media and posted on their Web site. this error was actually pointed out to them by one of their customers. this customer was reading the release as it was about them. in fact, the typo was their name...misspelled.

it gets worse.

for good reasons i will not bore you with, i did not get their customer's approval before distributing and posting this document. the client actually takes responsibility for this piece of the mistake, but needless to say they pulled the document from their Web site.

errrgh.. *insert pic of steam leaking from mybeet red face*

i'm probably being harder on myself than anyone else, but this just plain sucks and pisses me off. it's just the kind of thing that sets me off into an emotional spiral where the "abuse" I inflict upon myself is worse than the issue that initiated it all.

but i won't try and steer myself away from feeling bad...whether the depths of my feeling bad are blown out of proportion or not. the addicted blogger site talks about how they try to simplify recovery but no one can make it easy. likewise, i may stlil be perfecting how much i feel, but i am not going to try and stop feeling. we all know the path that would take me down—repression followed by explosion.

so until i get my emotional response mechanisms tweaked to realistic levels, my day is officially a bad one. luckily this occurred towards the end of the day. this too shall pass.

blog fog

holidays and a lot of work-related writing has impacted my blogging efforts. guess, this means i've been doing all of my bitching and moaning off line to compensate?

the tree is up, the cards are going out and the lights are on the house as we approach our 2nd annual family holiday party. surely i will have more "means to an end" bah humbug bullshit to throw at you between now and then. however, in the meantime, all is busy but good. even managed to spend some much needed HP-time recently.

will wonders never cease? :-P

xmas update

ok, perhaps it is the means to the end that bugs me about Christmas. there is a lot of negative energy out there. and i am not talking bah humbug energy. i'm talking about seemingly mild-mannered people that turn into freaks for a parking spot, the spot ahead of you in line, the last (insert ad here) on the shelf...and for WHAT?!

well, for the PERFECT Christmas probably. so as the rage kicks in, they seem justified. i felt justified at times.

the post below was written while i was experiencing some issues...smack dab in the middle of a fight actually. i have to believe the shorter-than-usual spread between Thanksgiving and Christmas is making all the "means" seem even more rabies-infested than usual this holiday season.

don't forget to breathe people.

two words

fuck christmas.

woke up this morning

soprano's rules. i am addicted and i do not have hbo. i am an odd purveyor of the show in that i am too tight to get hbo. i've watched all seasons well after the fact on either dvd or video. but as a result i get to watch like three episodes in a row if i want. i usually do since they kick ass. the downside? i am just now able to get into season three and season four is well underway. so i have to threaten coworkers with violence to ensure they do not reveal plot to me. it's like taping the super bowl and trying to watch it a few days later. tough gig.

same shit, different blog

lets just say, some basic computer code i wrote on a coworkers board applies to me sometimes:
10:inhale
20:exhale
30:goto 10
mondays are a universal sinkhole of sorts. i won't bore you again with my details. you know they get to me starting on sunday.

lets just say, i cannot stress enough the need to just take a deep breath every once in awhile. trust your instincts. they serve you well.

and if that made sense, you need as much help as i do.

comfort zone

decided that the minimum time for me to chill out with days off is 4. 4 days allows me to FEEL like i am not working. more importantly, i sometimes FORGET about all things work-related. sunday i will always get the Monday blues or at least feel the need to gird up for another week. this is the main reason why 3 days won't cut it.

this was a great break. ran, ate and spent some very good time with people i love.

also neglected to do anything other than not drink. which we all know is not enough. i did not work on my fourth step. i did not really work on my spirituality. so while i was in a comfort zone, this was not necessarily a good thing in all senses of the definition.

i mark this fact as i do not want to slide back into any of the elements from the dark ride of my addiction.

but at the same time, i will not let this fact negate the quality time i experienced.

insert segue.

my wife is taking prenatal vitamins. i knew this, but it slipped my mind until it came up tonight. we're trying to have another kid. but this simple act just somehow made it much more real. it moved me and reminded me there is much more to come.

insert another segue.

pre-Monday and i think i am coming down with something. i have the flu ache, runny nose and a sore throat that has been building for a few days. but i'll still go in. why?

thanks to vacation time, there are only three work weeks for me this month. December will fly by and work will make us earn every off day. i am taking vacation this year to spend more time at home during the down time between Christmas and New Year's Eve. the majority of the world seems to do the same. then comes next year. then comes more. there is more to come.

in the meantime, here's to today.