up late on a school night

the holiday vacation continues and i am hitting my stride. won't be heading back into work until next year...next year sounds better than thursday.

have spent most of the time off digging into some movies, spending tons of time with daughter and even being productive at home.

built a fire tonight. less for the heat (its been pretty warm today), more to get rid of the old, rotting wood the previous owners left behind.

the sensory experience of a roaring fire reminds me of rage—all consuming, leaving only ashes. this is a tangent from my realization that acting on my emotions can hurt more people than just myself.

i am rearranging how i consider wife and daughter. this is thanks in part to a wise, recovering addict who shall remain nameless. this person gave me some beautiful advice, pieces of which i note here:

"The love you have for your wife and child will protect you because it is a living energy you have invested your best in......You need to circle around your LIFE, not your addiction. The force you might embrace is not fear, but that of breath... breathing. It is a change of focus, BOOM. it's easier than energy expended on individual symptoms=addictions, but instead clarity/healing directed to the source."

i have this flaw of not giving myself enough credit, not trusting myself more. i know the elevator is ALWAYS waiting to take me right back to the hell i left behind when i stopped drinking. with my hp, i will stay vigilant and aware of this fact. but i spend so much time focusing on my addiction, so much time focusing on my problems, i neglect the very reasons why i want to be clean in the first place. my family. they give me strength. they are my everything.

why are YOU staying sober, not using, recovering? don't get so focused on recovery you lose sight of why you are doing it. it takes something completely amazing to get you to stop drinking, using, practicing in the first place. consider it again. circle around it.

enough serious shit. it's back to the dvds for me!