insane in the membrane

feel like shit. feel too much. tripping over easy things. feeling scared. trying not to let it stop me from working through things at work. work is my problem right now. not handling it well. it's a problem that can be addressed, it can be navigated. so why is it freaking me out?

under the guise of not drinking is not enough, i opened up the blue book last night and read about step 5. i firmly believe i could/should/can/will head back and revisit all steps prior. i never finished step 4. but i needed to read.

the last two times i have read the book, it made sense and spoke to me. step five talks about having to tell someone about your fearless moral inventory you have written down. well, i have not written mine down yet. it spoke of how you cannot be free of your past unless you tell someone—not your significant other however. it has gotten me to realize i need to write it all down and give it all away by telling someone about it.

it is something i knew, and saw the value in doing. but not having a full-time official sponsor telling me to keep moving, i sometimes lapse. i know it will not solve everything, including the above anxiety attack work is giving me. but i am very optimistic that it will make a difference in my life. i started reviewing my moral inventory in the car enroute to work today. writing it all down will be tough. telling someone will be tougher. but i will do it.

"Change is not made without inconvenience, even from worse to better." Richard Hooker