late night

some nights i get like my daughter, not wanting to go to sleep to eek more time out of the day. it's a good sign as it means i am enjoying myself and do not want the day to end.

been surfing a lot this evening. checked my work email a scant few minutes ago and one of my clients sent something at around midnight?! that client gets no love from me. spend time with yourself, your family, your friends. life is short. fuck work.

always the brave one when i am sleep deprived, in a good mood and still have many hours between me and another work week. come monday i will drink the kool-aid and dutifully trudge into an orderly line with the rest of the rats.

NO segue—awhile ago my wife and i were discussing my recovery. she felt like she had not really helped and she should/could do more to help me stay sober. to this i replied: "you have no idea how much you have done for me. you did more than make me who i am. you saved me from who i was."

the day i acknowledged to myself that i am an alcoholic, she put my habit into a perspective that allowed me to finally see it and admit it to myself. sadly, in addition to that moment, there is another element she provided that helped me into recovery mode—seeing my drinking directly impact her in a negative fashion. seeing my wife in pain because i was drinking too much. i had no identity prior to getting sober. i did not know who i was, how in the hell could i care if i was killing myself? the personal consequences of my drinking would not have stopped me.

my hope is i can live my life in a way that shows her how much of an impact she has made...by being a loving husband and father.