head games

had a great session tonight with my psychologist. still am not accepting the fact that I have to feel all of my emotions-suck it up and ride them out. i'm used to acting on them-by drinking typically. now i merely need to feel them. do not like doing it as i am not used to it.

instead, i've been analyzing it all way too much. why i feel a certain way, causes and effects. my head hurts.

at one point, in response to a question from me, she noted i was sincere and she did not think i was rationalizing a certain topic. and it hit me: i AM sincere. sometimes it is to my detriment, but it is a quality i never really thought about.

it is hilarious to have these seemingly breakthrough moments over the simplest things. we spend so much time drinking and creating elaborate, byzantine networks of mazes and tunnels to support our addictions that we forget how to do simple things like feel emotions and see ourselves for who we are.

i never felt like i had my own identity prior to getting sober. i realize now it is because a big part of who i am is a recovering alcoholic. i spent so much time numbing myself to any stimuli, how in the hell would i be able to see myself or decide who i am?

baby steps...in the right direction.