craving's illusion

is it me or is there always something behind a liver pang? driving back from lunch, I got another liver pang. decided I just HAD to get loaded.

it subsided by turning on the music and not thinking too much. it went away and I realized it probably came about due to my conversation over lunch.

when I lunch with friends in the business, the question ALWAYS comes up: "what's your plan? what's next? where's the next gig going to be at?"

I hate this.

right now I am happy. well-paid for doing good work on accounts that I enjoy. I am able to have a life outside of work. long term, like 20 years from now, I would be easily marginialized by someone half my age, willing to work for half the money. IF I stay right here doing what I am doing. I've seen the top where I work and I did not enjoy it...have no aspirations to go higher. purposely came back down from said heights. anyway, long story longer, I need to go client side long term. so it's not a question of what...just when.

but when people ask you about your plan, whether you have one or not, you feel like you should have one. "WHAT? You don't know what you're going to do next?" it's like you're not normal.

I am a big believer of stopping and smelling the roses. this beyond-beaten cliche is one of my soapboxes. some of my friends are so busy getting to the next goal I wholeheartedly believe they do not appreciate or enjoy the current state they are in. so much so, I wonder if they will ever enjoy themselves. they fear if they stop to enjoy, they are back sliding or they risk not getting that new car or bigger house. this is bullshit!

so anyways, I have a plan. I am not psyched about it, but I have it. so why should I feel less than normal for liking my fucking job and not wanting to move around or ahead?

society's norms suck ass. always have and always will. how else can I explain how, after this brief lunch conversation, I find myself coming back from work and feel a liver pang. this pang makes me think that not having booze leaves an empty spot in me? EMPTY SPOT? yeah, if we were born with tumors maybe. I've lost more than 50 pounds getting sober, ran one of my fastest 10K times ever, created a better relationship with my wife, mom, daughter and myself. arguably, I am at the best I have ever been spiritually, physically, professionally and financially. HOW in the fuck can the absence of booze be a bad thing?

fucking addicts. our heads are one giant tumor at times. emotions are not facts. you do not have to act on them. the above shows you HOW those emotions can manifest themselves in you. was not happy, sad or mad...just started questioning myself and my career and whammo! it felt like miller time.

On a brighter note, wife, daughter and I are going out tonight as a family for dinner to celebrate one long year of sobriety. I am looking forward to it. we're celebrating more than the absence of booze. we're celebrating who I am as a result of it and the many benefits of being sober. have a great weekend!