Give me Vita

Yep, Vita is a dead blog and its name is life in Italian. Almost funny, but it's true.

This blog has suffered endlessly since I switched jobs, focused more on my work blog and life evolves pretty well. At the end of the day, I feel like this blog could give me more personal satisfaction. A good life does not make for good blog content. In review of my posts, the best content comes from my worst moments.

Just looking at the front page of posts, spanning a two-year period, I have proof. It starts to touch on what I used to love about this blog...good content. Well-written and really saying something. "Life is good" posts suck. They're not telling a story, they're posting details for some kind of online scrapbook. Specs...not stories.

So what's your story?

My father, myself

So here I am, an alcoholic. Taking a flight of pills (if you count the vitamin and advils) and it hits me that I've seemingly become my father. Well, let me back up...Sunday morning was spent cutting the grass, or attempting to do so. I ran over a beehive of sorts in the ground and got stung like seven times. Funny to watch, a pain in the ass to endure. Mostly because of the swelling in my legs.

So I come home from work Monday and my legs feel like fucking sausages. They don't look much better. My old man always had trouble with his legs. That's when it hit me. I am my Dad. This was perfect timing for such a painful revelation since I am also trying a new med and am on a diet. Great mix. Well, I went way off the diet last night just to maintain the rest of my faculties and not lose it.

The new med may be helping me focus, but the side effects simply are not worth the benefits that straterra might bring me. I've resigned myself to make do with welbutrin. My focus comes and goes with this stuff and it always keeps away the anxious andies.

Like you give a shit. But I have to put this somewhere.

Man Cans

Started doing weight watchers at work. I figure/hope that spending money to lose weight and the scorn/encouragement of my fellow coworkers will help motivate me. So far that is the case...I've lost nearly 15 pounds. I hit 230 pounds...my all time high was 251. But I was starting to get man cans. Weight watchers tells me my goal is to get down to just above 200 pounds. I've done this before and I look sick thin. I'll be happy to get between 210 and 215. If I have a window I will be much happier vs. one number.

Wife has been doing weight watchers again and has already lost more than 10 pounds. Bottom line is that weight watchers gets the diet in check and if you excercise you will really see results. So we're trying to help each other excercise at least three times a week.

My psychiatrist wondered if Straterra might help me focus more at work. He also noted I would be taking it with my Wellbutrin to keep my anxiety in check. So far, Straterra may be helping me focus more at work. But the side effects suck butt. Dry mouth, more emotional, no appetite and possibly constipation. So it is a good diet helper, but I suspect I will not continue taking it after my month trial ends. I do not enjoy taking it quite frankly so even if it does help me focus, it is not worth it.

Work is going well. I enjoy it, it is hard and I am successful. This is a good combination.

Daughter and son are doing well. Daughter starts school soon which is odd and sad somehow.

More to come hopefully as I dust off this old blog o mine. Hopefully more of the good content I have in earlier posts and none of this diary of useless detail.

Post Secret

Found this site which is really cool. If I submitted a postcard, here's what it would say:

"People wonder if I think about the accident. I don't. I do think about my three co-workers who were killed in the accident each and every day."

Of course, this post is kind of a post secret since no one really came here even when it was an active blog.

I miss this blog. Need to spend some time here...exploring.

melt with you

ritz crackers has a commercial out right now using modern english's "melt with you" as the music.

it bugged me for 2 of the 30 seconds the commercial was on tv. but then it hit me, what the hell else would the band do for a buck these days? everyone is cashing and re-cashing in on anything in their lives deemed valuable. recycling is zeitgeist when you start seeing "behind the scenes" shows on tv programs that have been around for 2 of their 15 minutes.

thanksgiving holiday this year is long. having fun with daughter. i'm every saccrine hallmark card cliche when it comes to being her dad. i'll leave it at that.

the perfect age

remember when you were a kid? everything kicked ass. the sketchier memories seem like the more important ones because you only have pieces of them -- playing with a grandparent that passed on before you were older, staying up late during a sleepover with friends or swimming in the hotel pool on vacation.

it occurs to me that this is also the best time for the parents. the kids aren't old enough to judge, or to be impacted harshly by the realities of the world.

simple things like leaves turning and pinecones, a single scoop of ice cream or a balloon mean the very world to you. and all there is to have is love.

the holidays are kicking in and rather than give a shit about the stress, dysfunction and bullshit, i am going to focus on having a simple blast with daughter, wife and family. game on.

wtf?!

As I am shaving this morning, it hits me: I have gray hair AND acne?!

Are you kidding me?! Should that even be allowed?! What cruel natural law permits this for fuck's sake.

Yeah, you'd think this would have come to my attention earlier. I've know about both for quite some time. But I have what I consider to be a delayed light bulb effect. I'm just happy I get a light bulb over my head at all.

Week. End.

Ahhh, Friday. Hard to fuck up a Friday, IMHO. Everyone at work is gearing up for tomorrow night's anniversary party. I'm told it is our big party of the year. Should be fun. I am going solo as wife is on some overnight scrapbook extravaganza.

This gives me and daughter some great quality time. She actually said "I miss Mommy" before wife even made it out of the driveway, but we had a blast. We mostly hung out and watched Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. I bought it ages ago in anticipation of her getting into older stuff. After watching it, I must say it does not hold up. It takes way too long to get moving and I always assumed the car COULD do all that shit. Do you recall that it was all a bullshit story Dick Van Dyke told the kids?

Daughter loved it though, so that was cool. She is sound asleep now and I broke out the baby monitor to make sure I wake up if she has to go to the john during the night. She will. And I am a sound sleeper. So I am even sleeping in the guest room so I am closer. Hopefully the combo will ensure she does not piss herself waiting for me to wake up.

Wife is six months along now. According to BabyCenter, #2 looks like this:

Horrible segue to discussing Scott Peterson, but here we are. They found him guilty. Can you say appeal? He'll dig in his heels no matter what the final sentence. If they do sentence him to death, it'll be a long while. I am glad this case is over. Let the family have some peace and move on. Am I a lemming for thinking he is indeed guilty? Perhaps. But when the defense argues that while he may be a horrible person, it does not mean he is guilty, wtf are we supposed to think? Even if he was an innocent dick, I would have to believe his body language and facial expressions through the trial would have looked a bit more scared or sad. So no, I do not buy it. Who in the hell else would have committed such a horrible act?

Put on a pot of coffee after daughter went down for the night, I am intent on sucking the marrow out of every last second this evening. Quality time with daughter was a great way to start. Wife checked out some DVDs from the library. She got me Bad Santa?! Which is cool points for wife, but I am amazed at the DVDs you can find in the public library. Freedom of Speech rules, eh?

So after I blog here, I am hoping to blog on my work blog and then settle in for some Billy Bob defiling the Santa suit. Daughter loves the library and proudly showed my her first card this evening. So of course, she saw the Bad Santa and wanted to watch it. That is how we wound up with Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. She did not know we had the movie and I knew I would need a new movie she was unaware of to take her focus off Bad Santa. It worked.

End of my life as a Dad post. Just glad to be blogging again, even if the quality of my posts are usually much more interesting to someone other than just me. Have a great weekend.

Three LONG, DRY Years

This is to mark the passing of my 3rd anniversary of being sober.

Luckily in this time, I realized WHY I was drinking. Which brings me to my most favorite line from the realm of recovery:

"Emotions are not facts we have to act upon."

Now, I have somehow done this without AA. As my Dad was in AA for many moons, it makes me wonder if I am missing something. More importantly it makes me wonder if I am only partially where I need to be as it relates to recovery. By this I mean I realize that I am an alcoholic and, while I may be recovering, I will always be an alcoholic. Sobriety is a journey and not a destination and in a few seconds, I could be off the wagon.

But have I cleaned up my life completely? My fear is that if I have not, I could lapse back into drink mode.

But I have always been an anxious andy about life in general so this is normal for me I guess.

Did I mention I am at a new job after 8 years? So far so good as I get adjusted and shake off 8 years of dust.

Speaking of 8, my 8th grade reunion was held recently. I could not go as I had a wedding to attend (pretty much the only thing that could trump a time-based event like a reunion). Anyway, I got an odd letter in the mail yesterday. It turns out someone blew up my photo and displayed it at the reunion? A few folks signed it and the group that showed up for the reunion (12 people maybe) all posed for a group picture. That was sent along as well. It was flattering to get the letter I guess and, honestly, even more rewarding to see how I look compared to some of my former classmates. But the whole thing was a bit surreal upon opening the letter.

Speaking of shaking off dust, welcome back to my blog. Some folks stop writing when things go well in their lives. And while things are going well for me, that is not necessarily why I lapsed here. I need Vita. But the muse for writing here was missing in action. It might be due to the focus I have on my work blog right now. And if you have read this far, I dunno why you would care. But I would like the record to show that it is not because life is good.

As you can tell from this meandering post, I am still all four kinds of fucked up. Sober or drunk. :-)

veni, vedi, venti

Sweet Lord, where do I begin? Well, if you are here, you most likely know me. So I can skip the catch up. New job, blah, blah, blah.

I love working downtown. My old work gave me a sendoff and parting gifts. One of these gifts is a Starbucks gift card. I'm about two blocks away from the green meanie. In lieu of having any social connections at my new job, stepping out for coffee...free coffee...good coffee...has seemed like a good enough idea.

Well, after two days of afternoon coffee, I am backing off. Yesterday afternoon I was too wired to be useful. Could not even channel it into a creative burst. Half expected to blackout and wake up in a pool of my own urine. Did I mention I drink my coffee black? Always venti and always bold. Dumbass that I am. Starbucks, or "the bux" as I know call it, is high test to begin with.

Today it was not quite as wired, but is it a coincidence I got overwhelmed with work this afternoon and got a wee bit anxious? Had an impromptu late afternoon meeting (a new quirk of my new job I am still trying to adapt to) and literally had to leave the meeting to go pick up daughter. Ran to my car...three blocks away. Oy. The phrase "chaos magnet" running through my head.

It ain't all the coffee's fault, but I am going on the wagon with afternoon coffee just the same.

Weight is back up and I need to lose at least 10 pounds. I can try and blame this on my now pregnant wife, but she has not been force feeding me. The pregnancy is to blame for the influx of comfort foods into the home, but that's where it ends.

To combat the work anxiety, I am staying up late tonight to try and at least get organized and get ahead for tomorrow. Yeah, it makes no sense, but for the ADD procrastinator in me working harder is my tried and true solution. So I just stepped out to have a smoke and brewed some coffee. Yes. I am a dumbass. But it's the easiest way to move ahead on all things work.

The new job is nearly a month old and I need to engage. I'm trying to ramp up and get acclimated to a new environment after being settled into my old job for many years. But I need to lead with my instincts on things and I am still gun shy. Not good with a lot of work to do. We're in annual planning and I need to move ahead on a lot of fronts. My new boss is cool and patient, but I do not want to test this person's patience. I want to reaffirm their choice in hiring me.

So here we are. Me blogging away like a fool.

It is getting colder out these days. Sky was very clear with stars out. Beautiful as I smoked and cleared the head before digging in for the evening. It has been awhile since I blogged regularly here. While I miss it, life has been very good. Daughter is in preschool and taking Catechises class once a week (religion class). Only 3 years old and getting into religion in a very new way. I went to parochial school and had it beaten into me. She is learning it via the Montessori teaching process. Hopefully it will mean more to her than it did me at an early age.

Wife is pregnant and we're happy about that. It is also changing our lives right now. Our lives are full of change and most of this change is all positive in the long run. But it still takes management.

This post officially feels boring now. Until next time, ciao.

ass aquarium

We did church today and I decided we need to wean ourselves from the cry room. We usually sit in there, but daughter is 3 years old now and we need to get back into the general population. At her age, it starts to feel more like daycare in there. She brings in toys, snacks and even socializes a bit.

The cry room is an odd place. Tucked in the back of most churches, it is a small room with a big glass window to see out into church, most folks are in there with newborns and unruly little ones. It can get stuffy and stinky this time of year.

I've been in there when a kid was wailing and caught myself thinking "they should really take the kid to the cry room. Oh yeah, we ARE in the cry room." Some folks in there look like they are miserable, marooned with their kid. Others seem more interested in their kid than in mass. Today some guy wearing shorts brought his kid in there because he said that's where all the bad kids go for church. Then there are folks like me who clearly spend too much time noticing others.

Anyway, another phenomenon presented itself today, the ass aquarium. Our church can get crowded and people line the walls of the church and stand in the back. Some folks stand right in front of the big picture window. So, depending on the day, there are a line of butts face level with you if you are at a sitting point during the mass.

I'm an ass man and it even disturbs me. But what are you going to do?

What I also enjoyed today was when a kid started wailing and two folks who were creating the ass aquarium shot disapproving glances back into the cry room. Clearly these folks had issues with the kids. I love when this happens.

Yeah, somewhere in the middle of all of this observing, I did pray for the likes of your sad self. Not to mention my own. Lord knows I need all the help I can get!

seeing eye lesbians

have you heard of this new group? you will someday if i have anything to do with it. what a great fucking name for an all girl's band. tougher to blow them shit if they're all woman. oh the fun they could have with this. first album could be called "helen keller" and the album cover could be equally offensive--a close up of a woman's rack. she would be wearing a t-shirt and you'd see braille in place of hard nipples.

yeah, i thought spinal tap was a real documentary.

the braille could be interpreted to say either the album title or something else to inflame the last few members of the population that weren't already incited to riot over the cover, name and concept overall. but then again there are the feminists noting that the band name implies that women are dogs. but we'd try and account for this early on by only letting hot chicks into the band ;-) ok, of all the above, the last sentence was the biggest joke. lol.

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