wiped

Why am I here? It's late enough that it's arguably early. Got less sleep than usual this week and it's caught up with me.

Have been wrestling with a few issues. Some problems in my life have become clear to me thanks to 9 months of sobriety. It's allowed me to feel emotions and to think more clearly. This in turn has helped me to finally start to grow again spiritually and emotionally. So with this new view of reality comes the good and the bad. No more lying to myself.

I have never been as close to my Mom as I should have been (btw, my Dad passed away eight years ago). I never avoided her, but I never made an ongoing effort to call every week or visit regularly. She lives miles away from me people and I did little more than spend time with her according to a Hallmark calendar (holidays and special occasions). Well, it started to bother me awhile ago--I do want to be closer to her. Thanks to my wife, I have been making more of an effort over the past four years. One of the many things my wife has given me is the gift of family...on many levels.

Now that we have a daughter, we see even more of my Mom, but things still are not where they need to be, where I want them to be. It's something I will discuss with her within the next few days.

Two years ago, my wife and I went to Italy and invited my Mom, brother and sister-in-law to join us. They did. Recently they all decided to head out to California to visit my brother and his family. They did not invite us. This is not a huge deal per se...we would not have gone if they had invited us. But lately it seems my extra efforts to get back into a relationship with my immediate family are not reciprocated.

I noticed this awhile ago and just assumed it would be up to me to make this happen. My distant behavior was a choice I made. My family is in the habit of not engaging me as I never showed interest in the past or made the same effort myself. Fair enough. But I hoped that my Mom would have recognized the extra effort by now and realized that I have changed.

It's a touchy subject but I have to bring it up...if only to let her know how much she means to me and how I want to spend more time with her. I'm actually optimistic about it. It feels good to acknowlege this issue, define it and act on it in a positive manner.

But first, sleep.