down, not out

started this work week by getting the fear of God put into me (not by evil CEO). this got me to focus and kick into overdrive, working nonstop for the whole week. As a result, I nailed down what needed hammering and I'm ready to do it all over again next week. I've got tight deadlines that must be met over the next ten weeks to make the event in October a success.

the feeling of accomplishment one gets after kicking butt all week is welcome, but not reassuring. I am still out of sorts. now that I no longer drink alcohol, I am faced with the stark reality of all my emotions. I am forced to deal with them now and not ignore them after numbing them with beer.

over analyzing even the most trivial events is one habit I have. a simple house repair escalates into my being convinced we'll never be able to sell our house for example. it's a waste of time and brings to mind the serenity prayer:

I also think about *EVERYTHING* at once. you'll explode if you do that...or you'll at least feel like you might. your emotions can be the best thing that ever happened to you. they can also remind you of how selfish, insecure and afraid you can be.

so I'm still trying to learn how to deal with the good and the bad. all this clean living has shown me how dirty some of the corners of my life are. I try and remind myself how great it is to be out of the comfort zone.

ah yes, the comfort zone...the quintissential, trite descriptor for false comfort. it lulls you into a state of blind denial. but for fuck's sake people, being outside my comfort zone should not feel this uncomfortable for extended periods of time: that pit-of-your-stomach tension--as if a piece of wire is being pulled tightly from either side of your gut. you assume there will be some relief and it won't paralyze you. I want some tools for dealing with this proactively. I have to do more than ask for help with it, I want to help fix things.

all of this has me tired and down...but with more than 9 months sober, I am far from out.