had a dad

oldest brother calls me tonight and informs me he is on adderall. He went to his gp due to anxiety, happened to note he was distracted—wouldn't you be if you were anxious?—and viva la bam he is walking out with an adderall scrip.

he was on zoloft for awhile, awhile back. Tried to tell him my psych does not think I have add, but rather an anxiety disorder. And it occurs to me, who the fuck knows anything about this? it rings true when you hear about this hit and miss med bullshit. not to mention, they use wellbutrin, my drug of choice (so to speak), to help with folks quitting cigarettes.

maybe adderall will help him out, but this makes it official...we have become our father. something neither of us wanted to do. but then again, we were the two of the four that stayed in town. oldest brother carries the same first name as dad and i am the bookend, the baby. middle brothers scattered after attending the same college. wow, can i blame it on geography? dad and i also share a penchant for booze. dad was the typical alcoholic in that he was obsessive compulsive. but he was a happy drunk and got sober well before i knew what was what. but even when he was drinking, it was perceived as a social thing and he never got out of hand.

he quit when he got cirrhosis of the liver. this started his flight of pills he took daily. he was also obese. so there were health issues due to this that also required meds. but i think even without the liver pills, he was obsessive compulsive and at least ONE of the pills he was taking might have been due to this and the fact that he was an addict after all? i mean fuck sakes, he had one of those european carry alls before seinfeld to carry it all.

dad left things in a bad way. his house was not in order and this affected them more than me. i often wonder if any of my brothers have forgiven him. but how do you dismiss your good years with someone, in this case, prior to the end? it seems like they are doing this.

i miss the old man and wish he was around to see daughter. this amongst other things i'd like him to witness.

i look at where i am right now with mom and my brothers and i am blessed. closer now than ever. but we had no real map to base this on other than the example my wife's family gave me. our family growing up was not as tight with the cousins and all in retrospect. now i do not see any of my cousins, save for the one that is my accountant and then once a year. things get so fucked up over time. you forget what pushed you down a certain path and you wind up looking back and not even recognizing where you are much less recognizing yourself. i do not want this to happen.

wife has taught me that "it is family." it is family would be my last words were i to go in such a dramatic fashion. cause that is indeed it in my book.

so it was weird that my brother called me and just got into his meds with me. i'm glad he did this, i think adderall will help him determine pretty quickly whether or not he has add. it is a stimulant like concerta. when i took that, i lost a lot of weight and was always on, so to speak. but it certainly did not help me with anything. it just amplified things. so what am I trying to say with this post? dunno. But I am thankful I am sober and I am thankful for all I have in this world.