Chief among them

Is it me, or is that not a wicked good name for a greatest hits album? Dunno if it is a reflection of my ADD or simply my eclectic musical taste, but I make a lot of mixes and that sticks out as a great name for one. Been making mixes for so long, when I started out, they were called mix tapes.

sigh.

now my psychiatrist would tell you my above penchant for copyright infringement is a reflection of my musical taste. if i sound pissed that he does not think i have add, but rather an anxiety disorder, i'm not. he still writes the scrip. and said scrip certainly kicks the shit out of my anxiety. but my attention span is simply horrible.

my coworkers ask me if i am making rounds each day. i wind up essentially doing laps around the office. sometimes for very good reasons. other times, not so much. this is just one example, but also a segue into my next thought.

i'm still sober. wheee! realized it's been 2.5 years now. and i know i am better off for it and i know i have a better life for it. but the only thing shorter than my attention span is my patience. so when things flare up on me--emotionally speaking, that ointment i procured took care of the nasty little rash--i get all freaked out and a brief flash of chucking it all and diving off the wagon flits into, and out of, my brain.

not that tv is a good example of anything, but a Soprano's character was sober and jumped back off. all the obvious caveats aside, it just reminded me that if i am not vigiliant, i will fail and start drinking again.

and no matter how bad things might seem, i just need to hold onto the safety bar holding me in the car on this life roller coaster. if i hold on until the bottom of the hill, i'll be fine. i just always need to trick myself into waiting longer than i think i can for the emotions to subside so i can gain some clarity and think things through.

that said, i define faith as knowing that, should i let go of the safety bar—unable to hold on any longer—my HP will help me, keep me safe and take care of me. this help can come in the form of other people. i am blessed by the friends, family and colleagues i have come to know. and i pray for patience, humility and focus every single day.

emotions are not facts, yet they are one of my biggest challenges in life. out of all of the roadblocks i must navigate, emotions are chief among them.