mourning

my wife's grandmother has lived a full life of 93 years. that life is in its final moments as of this posting. my wife was called to the hospital at 2am this morning as grandmother's condition worsened. after a 10 hour vigil, my wife returned here and is sleeping briefly before resuming the vigil with her immediate family.

I could start a blog about death. for one reason or another, it fascinates me. that said, I respect it. my exploration of it is not intended to be macabre. so I'll spare you the tangents jumping into my mind and focus. the above is back story for what happened to me during my wife's vigil.

more back story. currently my main project at work is a special event. the myriad of interrelated, time-sensitive details is staggering. deadlines are, more than usual, of particular importantance—they're not "guidelines" they're drop deadlines. I did not even consider heading into work this morning. I was needed here. but it was not as easy as calling in sick—phone calls, emails and coworkers were required to keep things moving. It's a fact, it's a reality, it's our livelihood.

initially my wife and I prayed for mercy...that grandmother would be taken quickly. we assumed I might head into work this afternoon. I ultimately decided work would have to do without me. I'd be dramatic, and disrepectful, if I said jobs would be lost over one day's delay due to a death in the family. work will figure itself out.

finally, he gets to the point of the story. prior to deciding to take a full day, however, I called my Mom for help. I wanted her to watch our daughter to ensure my wife and I could do what needed to be done. my Mom informed me she is having a "party" tonight (a gossipy, coffee-klatch-like gathering vs. dancing, music and booze). she felt it best if I call my sister-in-law instead. however, if my sister in law could not do it, I could then bring my daughter over and my Mom would watch her for me.

I am naive. I am one who avoids conflict. sometimes I am just fucking slow. I agreed to all of this. Upon hanging up the phone, it hit me that my Mom was telling me that coffeecake with her friends was more important to her than a death in MY immediate family. it was then I also realized my wife would want and need me here regardless. so I decided not to call my sister-in-law. I also decided I would not tell my wife about my Mom's decision...my mom's priorities.

I was more hurt than pissed. It felt like I had been content with the knowledge that my Mom would catch me if I fell back—and I had been wrong the whole time. maybe she did not realize what she was saying to me. maybe she was not thinking quickly or clearly either. maybe it was not a case of me having misplaced faith in my mom.

my mom called me back. she called my sister in law to see what we had decided. my mom realized I had not called, and was told by my sister in law that she too was "busy" and could not watch my daughter. so now I am 0 for 2? my mom then tells me to bring my daughter over. I told her I was staying home for the day and not to worry about it.

I am focusing right now on giving my Mom the benefit of the doubt, prior to discussing this with her. If I do not, I'll fucking lose it and say something I will probably regret. but I too am in mourning right now. hopefully it is misplaced as it applies to my Mom. cross your fingers, light a candle, say a prayer, wish me luck. we'll see.